


Heart of Darkness

by WishIwasMeg



Category: Benton Fraser/Margaret Thatcher - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishIwasMeg/pseuds/WishIwasMeg
Summary: Meg tries to find out why Ben is acting strangely.
Relationships: Fraser/Thatcher
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	Heart of Darkness

CHICAGO  
Inspector Margaret Thatcher RCMP, chief liaison officer of the Canadian consulate in Chicago, fiddled irritably with her purse as she waited for her companion to join her in the modest diner she had chosen for their assignation. Trust him to be late! It was already fifteen minutes after the time they had agreed to meet and she was just considering gathering up her belongings and departing when he appeared, somewhat apologetic and out of breath.  
“Sorry I’m a bit late, Inspector,” he said, “but things got a bit chaotic down at the precinct.”  
“Well, better late than never, I suppose,” she muttered with a daunting frown. He would never have dared to be fifteen minutes late if he was under her command, she thought, but that was Americans for you. Unreliable.  
“So you wanted to talk about Benny,” he said.  
She hesitated. Relations had never been particularly cordial between herself and Chicago detective Ray Vecchio, but she recognised that he was the closest thing to a best friend that Constable Benton Fraser had, so she had put aside her personal animosity and arranged this meeting.  
“Yes, Detective,” she said at last. “I’m a bit worried about him. He’s been behaving very out of character recently and I wondered if you had noticed anything?”  
“Funny you should say that,” he replied, “But he seems to be very wound up. Jumpy. Edgy.”  
“Exactly. He still does his duty conscientiously at the consulate, but he seems on edge. I’ve heard him being quite sharp with Constable Turnbull and he was downright rude to one of the girls in the typing pool who had been making sheep’s eyes at him. And he won’t look me in the eye. It’s as if he is just going through the motions of doing his job. He looks lost. I wondered if you had any idea what was wrong.”  
“Nope! He hardly says a word to me when we’re out on assignment. I thought it might be something to do with his work at the consulate. It’s as if he’s shrunk in on himself. He won’t even go to a game with me or go out for a pizza any more. Says he’s too tired, but I hate to think of him sitting alone in his apartment night after night, shutting himself off with only the wolf for company. I thought you might have some idea what the problem was, but apparently not.”  
“When did you start to notice that something was wrong?” she asked, more worried than ever.  
“Probably about a month ago, but it’s hard to say exactly. He seems to be beating himself up about something, but he won’t tell me what.”  
Meg Thatcher pursed her lips. “Perhaps I should refer him for some counselling,” she said. “He seems very depressed. I wonder if he could be heading for some kind of breakdown.”  
“I don’t know if he would be up for that,” observed Ray. “You know how buttoned up he is. I don’t think he would want other people delving into his psyche.” He looked scathingly at the woman sitting opposite him. “What do you care, anyway?” he asked. “Scared he’ll be off sick and he won’t be available to collect your dry cleaning?”  
She glared at him. “As his commanding officer I have a responsibility for his welfare, Detective. And despite your low opinion of me, I do actually have his best interests at heart.”  
“Really?”  
“Yes really, and in the light of what you’ve told me, I’ll have a word with him and see if I can get to the bottom of what’s troubling him.”

***************

Benton Fraser swallowed twice as he stood before the Inspector’s office door, his knuckles poised to knock. With a deep intake of breath, he rapped sharply and was rewarded with a brisk “Enter!”  
“Ah, Constable,” she said sitting back in her chair to look at him. “Please close the door. I wanted a private word with you.”  
He shut the door and then came back to stand at attention before her desk.  
“Please sit down, Fraser,” she said nodding to the chair on the other side of the desk. He looked somewhat surprised, but did as he was asked and sat down on the chair, though the rigidity of his posture indicated that he was far from comfortable. He fixed his gaze on the wall behind her.  
“Fraser, is something the matter? You don’t seem yourself at the moment.”  
He cleared his throat. “I don’t understand, sir. Have I been remiss in my duties?”  
“No, of course not, Constable, you are as diligent as ever, but you seem very tense. And I understand from Detective Vecchio that you have not been your usual self for quite a while.”  
“You’ve been discussing me with Ray?” he stammered, annoyance if not anger simmering on his face. “What gives you the right to do that?”  
“I’m worried about you, Constable. We both are. Won’t you please talk to me. Tell me what the trouble is. Or would you prefer to speak to an RCMP counsellor? I could get someone down from HQ in Ottawa.”  
“Inspector Thatcher, sir, I am perfectly all right. I don’t need to see a counsellor,” he said in a brusque tone of voice which only served to convince his superior officer that he was far from all right.’  
“Well, in that case, Fraser, if you refuse to see a counsellor, I think you should take some leave.”  
“Are you suspending me, sir?” he asked incredulously.  
“No of course not,” she replied. “You have done nothing to warrant suspension from duty. If anything you have been TOO assiduous. You are driving yourself too hard. You need a break. You have a great deal of leave due to you. I suggest you take a month off and go and relax up at your father’s cabin in the Territories. I get the impression that you can unwind up there. I’ll get someone sent down from Ottawa to cover your absence.”  
“Is that an order, sir?”  
“No, Constable, it’s a suggestion, but I can make it an order if that’s what it takes.”  
He sighed. “Well, yes, perhaps some time away from…from my duties here might be welcome. Very well, sir, I will make the necessary arrangements.”  
“Good.” She smiled at him but he steadfastly refused to meet her eye.

***************

NORTH WEST TERRITORIES, CANADA  
He sighed with satisfaction as the icy cold hit his face. It was good to be back in Canada, in the Territories. He always felt he was home as soon as he caught sight of the log cabin he had inherited from his father. He usually felt at peace here though he doubted if his tortured soul would find rest this time. He wasn’t sure when the darkness had started creeping into his heart, but looking back he thought it was probably the day he had been passing the train station in Chicago and had seen the dark-haired figure ahead of him. Feeling mounting panic, he had started to run after her, calling her name “Victoria!”, but when he had caught up with her and she turned to face him, it wasn’t her.  
“I beg your pardon, ma’am,” he had stuttered to the astonished young woman before him. “My mistake.” He wasn’t sure whether he felt disappointed or relieved that it wasn’t her. What would he have done if it had been her? Their last encounter had all but destroyed him both physically and emotionally. She had literally bewitched him and he fervently prayed that the spell was broken. But was it? Would he succumb if he saw her again? This started him thinking about his life. What did he really have to live for? At the age of 36 he was utterly alone in the world. He knew not a few women, Francesca Vecchio among them, who would have been delighted to become Mrs Benton Fraser and be the mother of the children he fervently longed for. But fond of them as he was, he didn’t love them, and he knew that only the deepest love would induce him to share his life, his innermost being, with a woman. He had friends, certainly, good friends in Chicago, but there was no-one to share his soul. He had given himself body and soul to Victoria, but she had used him and betrayed him. He thought he would never, ever trust his heart to another woman. And then SHE had come. Meg. The first day he met her she had tried to have him dismissed from the Force, but instead of resentment he had felt an instant attraction. Why? During long hours of sentry duty he had often asked himself that question and had come to the conclusion that it was precisely because she hadn’t thrown herself at his feet like just about every other woman he had ever met in his adult life that made her so desirable in his eyes. She was beautiful, of course, with long chestnut hair and eyes like melted chocolate. But it was not just a physical attraction. He felt he had met his soul mate; his missing other half. Victoria had consumed him. Meg Thatcher was his match. But she was his commanding officer and pursuing her romantically was out of the question. But oh, how he desired her! Their “contact” on the train had left him in no doubt about that. But she had ordered him to forget their kiss and if anything had become even more aloof and authoritarian since the incident. At first he had complied, tried to forget what had passed between them, but the unsettling sighting of “Victoria” had made him face up to his feelings for Meg. He wanted her, but it wasn’t just lust. It was a desire to meld with her body and soul. With each passing day his need for her was driving him crazy. He was ashamed to remember the dreams that haunted his nights, especially when he had to face her in his day-to-day duties at the consulate. He tried to block his feelings out, to cut himself off from his emotions, which had resulted in him shrinking into himself to the extent of blocking off all human interaction. He couldn’t allow himself to feel anything, and as a result had cut off contact with his friends. He had thrown himself into his duty, but the daily contact with her was driving him insane with desire. He knew he was treating his colleagues badly, but he couldn’t help himself. He was even beginning to harbour dark thoughts about putting an end to his misery. Then she had suggested the vacation in the North. Perhaps that’s what he needed. Time away from her. Time to think.

***************  
CHICAGO  
Meg Thatcher could not contain her worry. It was nearly three weeks since her senior constable had departed north and she had heard nothing from him. “Why would he get in touch?” she asked herself reasonably. “He’s on vacation.” But a nagging doubt gnawed at the back of her mind. All was not well with Benton Fraser and she could not shake off the fear gripping her heart. How dear this man had become to her had been gradually dawning on her the longer he was absent from her. Yes, he could be verbose, annoying, exasperating even, but his presence thrilled her in ways she tried to put to the back of her mind. She had been the object of enough unwanted advances from superior officers in her career for her to vow never to become personally attached to anyone on her chain of command. But Ben Fraser was different. It wasn’t just his devastating good looks that made her heart leap every time she saw him; it was also his quirky, intelligent mind. And despite his immaculate manners, he had a feral quality to him that she had never encountered before. He was unique. Successive sleepless nights at last brought her to admit to herself what she had long been suppressing; she was in love with him. She had tried to relegate the passionate kiss they had shared on the train to the back of her mind. She told herself that it was the adrenalin of the approaching nuclear catastrophe; that pursuing a relationship would ruin her career and his; that he had shown no sign afterwards that it had meant anything to him……well apart from that day of the Randall Bolt trial when he had….no, no! Put it out of your mind! she told herself. And lately he had become so cold, so withdrawn. As her feelings for him intensified, he seemed to retreat from her. Did he guess? Was he horrified at the idea that his commanding officer was sexually attracted to him? She had done her utmost to hide her feelings behind her stern “inspector” persona, but lately it was as if he couldn’t bear to be in the same room as her. He refused to make eye contact with her and answered her in monosyllables when she addressed him. No, something was definitely amiss, so she swallowed her pride and dialled Vecchio’s number.  
“Hello, Ray Vecchio here,” she heard the impatient voice obviously annoyed at having his work interrupted.  
“Good morning, Detective Vecchio. It’s Meg Thatcher here. I wondered if you had heard anything from Constable Fraser while he’s been away.”  
“No, Inspector, I haven’t. Do they even have phones up in the Great White North? Maybe he’s incommunicado or somethin’.”  
“Yes, we do have telephonic communication even in the Territories, Detective,” she sighed in exasperation. “But I know there is no telephone at his father’s cabin. Could I ask you to let me know if Fraser gets in touch? I would appreciate it. Thank you.”  
“No problem, Meg,” said Vecchio, knowing his use of her Christian name would really piss her off. That would be one slight dig after the way she treated his friend.

Her heart raced. She knew instinctively that something was wrong, but what to do about it? She could contact the RCMP detachment nearest to his cabin and ask them to check up on him, but getting strangers involved seemed unlikely to be helpful. Then she remembered her Uncle David. He was her godfather and a retired superintendent in the RCMP and an officer highly regarded at HQ in Ottawa. He would help her. Quickly she dialled his home number, praying he would be there. She almost cried with relief when her call was answered almost immediately.  
“Good morning! McLeod residence.”  
“Hello, Aunt Liz. It’s Meg.”  
“Meg, my dear, how lovely to hear from you. Are you in Ottawa? Can you come over?”  
“No, Aunt Liz, I’m in Chicago. Is Uncle David around? I’d like to speak to him.” She realised with a guilty start that she had been so eager to speak to her godfather that she had rudely omitted to ask after the family’s health, but this was no time for social niceties.  
“Hi, Meggy! How are you?” Meg could feel the Superintendent beaming down the phone. He was extremely fond of his god-daughter and had been instrumental in her choice to make her career in the RCMP. Not that the connection had smoothed her path. Her rank was entirely due to merit and he was extremely proud of her. David McLeod had at one time hoped to have her as a daughter-in-law, but she and his son Ian had been raised too much like brother and sister to have a romantic relationship. He sometimes worried about Meg. She was like a daughter to him. Attaining high rank in the Force was all very well, but he would have liked to see her with someone in her personal life. No-one should go through life alone, he told himself.  
“Uncle Dave, could I ask you a massive favour? I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”  
“What’s the problem, sweetheart? I’ll do whatever I can.”  
“Would it be possible for you to arrange to come to Chicago and take command of my station for a few days? I have to take care of something up north. It’s complicated and I don’t want to go through official channels.”  
“RCMP or personal?” he asked.  
“RCMP,” she said, “though I have to admit there are personal implications. It concerns the welfare of one of my officers.” She was too good an officer to dissemble.  
“Leave it with me. I’ll call in some favours and pull a few strings. I’ll get back to you about my flight to Chicago. I’ll try to get there tomorrow.”  
She breathed a massive sigh of relief. She could rest easy knowing her office was being run by her godfather in her absence and she began to plan how she would get to the far-flung outpost where Fraser was. At least that’s where she hoped he was. She had no way of knowing.  
***************

NORTH WEST TERRITORIES  
He had seriously thought about just walking into the wilderness and never coming back. Who would care? he asked himself. At that moment he felt Diefenbaker huffing against his legs. “Oh I know you would miss me, old friend, but you’re home. You can rejoin a pack and return to your roots. The wolf whined in disagreement. “Oh yes you could,” said the Mountie. “You would be fine.”  
“And what about all your friends in Chicago?” He became aware of his dead father sitting opposite him on the other side of the log fire.  
“They’d get over it.”  
“No they wouldn’t, son. No-one ever gets over it if a friend takes his own life. The rest of their lives they would be blaming themselves, feeling guilty that they hadn’t spotted the signs; were not good enough friends for you to confide in. If you care anything about them, you won’t do this.”  
“And what the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of MY life? If I can’t have her, what’s the point of being alive?”  
“Have you tried telling her how you feel? You might be surprised at her reaction.”  
“Dad, she’s my commanding officer and has been treating me with cold disdain. She’s made it obvious she can’t stand me. How can I tell her I love her?”

A noise outside halted the spectral conversation. He heard a car engine stop outside. It could only be his Inuit friend Joe, though it didn’t sound like his truck. He went to open the door to his friend, only to be astounded at the person standing before him.  
“Inspector!” he gasped.  
“Constable!” she countered and for a long moment they stood staring silently at one another.  
“Aren’t you going to ask me in, Constable? It’s freezing out here.”  
“Yes, sir, I’m sorry. Please come in.”  
He stood aside to let her enter, checking to see if his father had gone. She looked around the cosy interior.  
“Please, let me take your coat. Can I offer you a tea or coffee?”  
“A cup of tea would be nice,” she said, “If it’s not too much trouble.”  
“No trouble at all, sir,” he replied as he busied himself filling the kettle and setting it to boil. Then he stopped in his tracks, turned to her and asked “What are you doing here?”  
“Well, that’s fairly blunt and to the point,” she said. “But I suppose you are entitled to ask. I was worried about you.”  
“Worried enough to fly nearly two thousand miles north to check on me?”  
“I just had a gut feeling that something was really wrong. Please, Ben, talk to me. Not as your commanding officer but as a friend. Please!”  
He looked at her, puzzled by her use of his Christian name. God, she was beautiful! He could feel the desire rising within him. This would not do! “Please, Ben,” she repeated. “Wouldn’t it be easier to sort out whatever is troubling you before you return to Chicago?”  
“I’m not coming back to Chicago.” He watched her and saw the look of devastation on her face.  
“What do you mean - not coming back to Chicago?”  
“Well I’ll have to come back to collect my things, of course, and to get the transfer papers arranged, but I’ll be gone as soon as I can.”  
“But why? Where will you go?”  
She was ashen white. “Don’t you think you owe me an explanation as your commanding officer? Please tell me why you’ve made this decision.”  
“Because of you,” he said simply.  
She looked even more stricken than before. “Oh Ben! I know I was an absolute bitch to you when I first arrived. But you have to understand. I had read your file which made you out to be an awkward customer; insubordinate even. It was my first command. I wanted to run a tight ship and I saw your antics as getting in the way of good order and discipline. I felt I had to assert my authority. But as time went on I came to appreciate what a fine officer you are. I thought our professional relationship was first rate. I’m sorry if you didn’t pick up on my approval. I’m sorry if I’ve made you dislike me so much that you feel you have to transfer to another command.”  
Now it was his turn to look devastated. “Dislike you? I don’t dislike you.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “ I….I……I am so much in love with you that I can’t trust myself anywhere near you. I can’t take any more, seeing you every day, working with you at close quarters. I have to get out before I lose control…..”  
“Ben!” was all she said and he couldn’t tell whether she was shocked, angry or just plain horrified.  
“I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. You challenge me in a way no other woman I know has ever done. I want you body and soul. I thought on the train that you shared my feelings, but afterwards you were so cold and you ordered me to forget.” He covered his face with his hands, then said wearily. “I could never forget. God knows I’ve tried, but I can’t. And over these past weeks a darkness has entered my soul. I can see my life stretching ahead of me. Years of loneliness without the woman I love more than life itself. What’s the point of going on alone? ”  
He looked at her, his blue eyes filled with longing. “I thought about ending it all.”  
“No!” she gasped in horror.  
“But I came to see the burden that would leave with my friends. So that’s when I decided I had to put you out of my life or I would go mad.”  
“Ben!” she said again, then she moved over to stand in front of him and reached out to touch his cheek. “Oh my dear!” she whispered. “I’ve fought this too long. I should have followed my heart but I was too afraid of being unprofessional. I love you. I don’t care about regulations or rank or protocol. I love you.”  
Slowly she slipped her arm round his neck and drew him towards her for a long gentle kiss. His lips responded to hers and soon they were holding each other in a passionate embrace as they gave way to their long suppressed desire. But suddenly he broke away, holding her at arm’s length.  
“No, I can’t do this,” he almost sobbed.  
“Ben, what’s the matter? If we truly love each other we’ll find a way.”  
“NO!” he repeated. “I gave my heart away once before and it almost destroyed me. I can’t risk it again. It’s better this way.”  
“Are you comparing me to HER?” asked Meg. “Don’t you trust me? I love you. You must believe that I would never hurt you like she did.”  
“No, not deliberately perhaps, but who knows what lies ahead? I won’t take the risk. I can’t. It would kill me if it didn’t work out.”  
“I could kill her for what she’s done to you, for hurting you so much,” Meg said icily. “But Ben, are you saying that you would rather spend the rest of your life with the certainty of being alone rather than take a risk on finding happiness? I know which I would prefer.”  
“I’m scared,” he said simply.  
“Nobody knows the future, Ben. All we can do is take a leap of faith.”  
“Oh Meg! Do you think we can do it? Can we be happy with each other?”  
“All I know is that we can’t be happy without each other,” she said quietly.  
She looked into his eyes. “Take me to bed, Ben. Make love to me and then make your decision once you know what you would be throwing away.”  
“I don’t want a casual affair, Meg. I want a wife; a family.”  
“I would be proud to be the mother of your children, my love. Please, let me love you. Let me try to heal your broken soul. If I can do that, my life will be worthwhile.”  
“Oh my precious Meg!” he enfolded her in his arms.Tears of joy streamed down his cheeks. “Do you really love me?”  
“More than I ever thought it possible to love anyone,” she replied.  
“And will you be my wife?  
“Yes, oh yes. There’s nothing I want more in this world.”  
”Then let’s get married right away. My Inuit friends can arrange it. Let’s go back to Chicago as man and wife.”  
She didn’t hesitate. “Sounds wonderful,” she said, “but there’s one condition.”  
“Anything, my love.”  
“I want to be there when you tell Detective Vecchio that we’re married. I want to see his face.”  
“Agreed.” He laughed, switched off the whistling kettle and led her to the bedroom. The darkness had gone and light flooded his soul. Perhaps broken hearts could be mended after all.


End file.
